I’m saying goodbye to “New Year, New You” and welcoming “New Year, Know You." You know what’s funny? I actually started writing this for 2020, but it’s already March of 2021, so I guess there was a lot for me to realize before I was ready to finish writing this.
Reinvention. That’s how I’ve learned to begin each new year and new chapter. But how can one possibly imagine what their life will look like when there are so many possibilities? I could reinvent myself in so many ways, but most importantly, I want to reinvent myself by allowing my actions to reflect the woman I’ve grown into. Only time will tell how our lives turn out to be, but it’s so easy to wonder how life will be, who we will be. I feel myself changing so much each day, and yet I know I am the same at my core. It sounds contradictory, to be so different and yet be the same, but I’ve realized that everything needs balance. Instead of focusing on the “new” me, I want to focus on knowing myself. It’s a whole new year to get to know me.
In my post “The Power of Positivity," I explained how I’ve finally discovered the value of positivity. Positivity only matters because negativity exists, so if everything was positive, positive would just become neutral. I’ve realized that the same goes for change. If we changed all the time and nothing stayed constant, then the continuous change would become the constant. It’s important that some things remain the same, because they provide a reference to the changes that occur. I can’t imagine a world where things completely change without any constant. If you were constantly changing as a person, it would be impossible to know who you are, what you like, how your body works, how you interact with others, or pretty much anything about yourself. It’s satisfying to see personal growth and changes that continue to exemplify who you are at your core.
I think I’ve spent most of my life switching between moments of knowing who I am and being uncertain of my identity. I always found it difficult to believe that I was right in either scenario, because I was unconvinced that a person could have conflicting thoughts. I’ve struggled a lot with changing, but I know now that it’s normal for people to try on different hats. I’ve spent so long trying to shove myself into a tiny box of who I think I’m supposed to be, based on my idea of how others might perceive me. Did I really let this fear of disappointing others’ prevent me from exploring the entirety of who I am?
I’m sad to say, it’s true. But I’m so relieved to know this now and to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I have spent my life struggling with myself. Fighting between how I think I should be and who I want to be. Believing I would disappoint others if I did not act how they might expect me to be. Convinced that I shouldn’t want the things I truly want. But who am I to let others dictate my life? In fact, I don’t even know what “others” want me to do with my life. I’ve somehow created this character for myself, the person I think others want me to be and expect me to be. And hearing myself say that aloud, well it’s just ridiculous. I’ve collected things people have said about me and my ideas of what they imply about my character and who I am, and I’ve somehow modeled this expectation of myself, based on how I think people perceive me.
“You’re too sensitive.” “Why can’t you take a joke?” “You worry too much.” “You’re overreacting.”
These comments would play over and over in my head. I struggled to change my behavior to avoid future comments, but at some point, I believed that “this is just who I am”. I’m sensitive, too serious, and overly emotional. I worry too much and that’s how I’ll always be, but that’s okay. And while it was great to accept these qualities, I was limiting myself by believing they would never change, cause “that’s just how I am”. Accepting these qualities helped me understand the way I experience the world, how intune I am with those around me, that I have insecurities that I’m not ready to joke about and that I value authentic expressions of emotion.
I was able to see and understand myself beyond the simple comments and discover the complexities of my lived experience. This allowed for greater self-awareness and self-acceptance, but I still had not considered that there was more in store for me. I didn’t realize that I had also confined myself to this idea of who I am and would regulate my actions based on this idea of how I’m “supposed to be”.
I believed I was a sensitive person, so I thought I had to worry all the time, cause that’s what a sensitive person does. I thought it was normal for me to be worried and stressed constantly. I believed I was too serious, so I kept myself from having certain kinds of fun, cause a serious person wouldn’t do those things. I believed that I always overreacted, that none of my reactions were normal or socially acceptable, because that’s what overreacting is. But how did I trap myself into these simplistic ideas of these labels?
Everyone uses labels, because that’s how our brain processes and understands the world. I can’t stop myself from using labels, but I’ve realized that I can alter the definitions as I grasp a better understanding. I’ve learned to accept these qualities and labels,and now I’m learning to accept my growing and evolving personality. To accept the change in definitions, to accept my changing self-perceptions, and ultimately embrace the perpetual motion that comes with life.
So sure, it might not feel like a new year, but maybe it’s the end of a long, drawn-out 15-month drought. Maybe it’s the end of confining ourselves to the idea of who we’re “supposed” to be and how we’re “supposed” to live, and the beginning of embracing ourselves for who we are each day. Maybe it’s the end of simple definitions and the beginning of a desire to truly understand. Maybe it’s the end of picturing our life and the beginning of truly seeing it, living it, and loving it for what it is. The drought will end and the blessings will pour down.
We will change. Our lives will change. And maybe we’ll change enough to accept the many changes to come.
Maybe this is a new year and a new me, but the year didn’t make that happen. I’ve become this “new” me by taking the time to know me, to know who I am right now and who I want to be. I hardly ever say this, but I love who I am. Sure, I’m not anywhere close to being the person I aspire to be, but I am proud of myself for how much I have grown. I am proud of myself for breaking the chains I had wrapped around myself. I am proud of myself for stepping out of the shadows and choosing to see myself in the light. So my life isn’t completely new, and I didn’t reinvent myself, but I have a new appreciation for myself and can love myself in a way I never have before. I needed to get to know myself before I could embrace my new self. So here’s to another year to get to know the ever-changing me.
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