Growing up, I used how other people defined me to build a large part of my identity. People told me that I'm a kind and positive person–– a few even told me that I’m one of the happiest people they know. While these are great qualities to have and are flattering to hear, I’ve struggled with the expectations I’ve put on myself because of this label. When I’ve been sad, I was told to “fake it till you make it” and to “just think positively”.
Sometimes it actually works, usually when I’m feeling sad about something that isn’t actually a big deal. Instead of focusing on feeling sad about not being invited to a party, getting a bad grade, or breaking something, I could focus on what I am grateful for. I can spend time with my real friends, celebrate a good grade in another class, or repair the broken item and learn to love its imperfect form. Sometimes I wouldn’t participate in activities because I thought I was bad at them, but then I realized that I could “fake it till I made it”. While I may not have gotten better at what I was doing, I did it with confidence, and more importantly, I enjoyed myself. I could feel better by thinking of “happy thoughts” or by “faking it till I make it”, but I mistakenly believed that it would and should always work.
Nowadays you may hear people say things like “you have the choice to be happy” and that you should “change your attitude to change your life”. While that is true to some extent, it fails to recognize the struggles people face and the fact that humans were designed to feel a variety of emotions. It also fails to distinguish feeling depressed from having depression, because clinical depression is very different from just feeling sad. If I could just choose to be happy and genuinely feel happy at the snap of a finger, then of course I would, but human emotions don’t work like that, and depression most certainly doesn’t either. Researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago took fMRI scans to better understand brain networks in individuals who have experienced episodes of depression.
“The researchers found that the amygdala, a region involved in detecting emotion, is decoupled from the emotional network in people who have had multiple episodes of depression. This may cause emotional-information processing to be less accurate, Langenecker said, and could explain "negative processing-bias" in which depression sufferers perceive even neutral information as negative.”(1)
As I continue to learn more about the human brain and the way it processes experiences and emotions, I am working to be more compassionate toward myself and others. I know that I cannot just simply think positively to feel better, and now I can logically understand that it’s not my fault, because it’s likely due to changes in my brain.
Growing up with the idea that I could just have a better attitude and choose to be happy, I expected myself to never have negative emotions. My belief was completely unrealistic and honestly kind of ridiculous if I must say so myself! I began to blame myself for my struggles and for the unpleasant emotions that came with them. I was convinced that I was doing something wrong, so I believed it was all my fault. I would ask myself, “If I'm a positive person, how could I have these negative feelings?” Inevitably, this became a recipe for disaster, and in my case, a recipe for anxiety and depression.
Honestly, my anxiety and depression took an exhausting toll on my life. I completely ran myself down by constantly blaming myself for feeling angry or frustrated or sad. I made myself feel guilty for my feelings, because I should’ve just chosen to be positive and happy. I assumed that I was ungrateful for all the blessings I’d been given, and that God had somehow made a mistake when He made me. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I was able to break out of this negative mindset, because I still distinctly remember the self-destructive cycle I would fall into. It was a continuous cycle of guilt, then negative emotions, followed by more guilt and frustration for having negative emotions, so I managed to continually make myself feel worse.
I’ve worked diligently, through therapy and journaling, to end the cycle of self-punishment and guilt, and in that process, I realized that I needed to change the way I experience my emotions. I’ve made it a priority to actively reframe my thoughts and to express myself by writing music and poetry, dancing and doing anything else I enjoy, and I’ve slowly changed the way I treat myself. Before, I was confused by how differently I treat myself in comparison to the way I treat others, and I often find this to be true for people in general. I was frustrated by how harshly I treated myself, especially juxtaposed with how kindly I treated others, so I’ve been addressing that intently.
I have always been a sensitive person, one to share and empathize with others. If I heard someone talking down about themselves, I would remind them that they deserve kindness and it is important for us to allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions. While I truly believe this applies to everyone, I unfortunately deprived myself of kindness and found myself in the depths of depression.
Having read this far, you might be wondering why this post is entitled “The Power of Positivity” since in my case, the unrealistic expectation to be a positive person was, largely, the reason for my clinical depression. As I struggled, I realized that I do not need to judge myself based on these unrealistic standards. I finally learned that it’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to feel depressed, because I understand that these emotions are part of being human. I’ve also realized that feeling depressed doesn’t mean that I’ll have another episode of clinical depression, because there is more to mental health than we often choose to acknowledge and certainly more than we currently understand.
Once I accepted that I am still the positive person I thought I was, even on the days when I didn’t have a single ounce of positivity within me, I was kinder with myself and slowly began to heal. Sometimes the healing process seems endless, because I have continued to reevaluate the way I define my experiences and my identity. Healing and growth have been essential parts of my journey, and I’ve decided that depression and anxiety will not define me any more than I allow positivity to define me. While acknowledging my experiences and feelings, I’ve realized that they do not define who I am or determine my future. I have grown and evolved more than I could’ve imagined, and now I am focused on understanding who I am today, instead of being overly concerned about whether or not I’ve become who I thought I would be. Our futures may not turn out the way we envisioned, but perhaps it’s because we underestimated our potential when we first imagined our future. I’m just beyond excited to see where my potential leads me.
While the future excites me, I still struggle with the possibility that I could have clinical depression again. Depression can be treated throughout the course of one’s life, but since there is no cure, it cannot vanish at the snap of a finger, and there’s a possibility it will recur. By accepting that I will never truly be without this condition, I have been able to continue to cope. Today, I know I am only human, and as a human, I’ll experience a plethora of emotions. I want to give myself permission to feel all of them and to address them as I see fit, not allowing them to take control. After everything I’ve been through I’ve become resilient, and I am capable of riding the highs and lows of life. I am certain I will live a happy life, because I don’t expect myself to be happy all the time. I’ve learned to be kind to myself, and I no longer force a smile or pretend to be okay. I know God is here with me and has been all along, and I’m working to be my own friend too.
At the end of the day, I’ve discovered that I really only have myself and God, who is and always will be Love. They say Love is all you need, and I wholeheartedly agree. Love has been at my side, and I hope to share Love with myself and others more and more each day. In my life so far, I’ve experienced such an overwhelming darkness, and yet I’ve somehow managed to see the light of day. Knowing that so many individuals have had similar experiences has made it all the more special. When I witness my friends and family achieve their dreams and goals in spite of challenges and hurdles, it’s a beautiful reminder of how far we can go; it reminds me how far I can go.
Positivity is powerful, but I’ve realized that positivity has only now become truly relevant in my life, since I’ve acknowledged the significance of the depression I’ve faced. As painful as it has been, I’m glad that I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, because I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t. I finally understand that a positive person isn't devoid of negative feelings. Instead, a positive person is someone who understands that positivity can exist even in a pool of negativity and is someone who understands its power. A positive person may discover that positivity secretly accompanies negativity wherever it goes, and as they’re enveloped in the darkness of negativity, they can detect even the tiniest spark of positivity and let it shine for all to see.
1. University of Illinois at Chicago. "Emotion-processing networks disrupted in sufferers of depression." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 20 January 2016.
R. H. Jacobs, A. Barba, J. R. Gowins, H. Klumpp, L. M. Jenkins, B. J. Mickey, O. Ajilore, M. Peciña, M. Sikora, K. A. Ryan, D. T. Hsu, R. C. Welsh, J.-K. Zubieta, K. L. Phan, S. A. Langenecker. Decoupling of the amygdala to other salience network regions in adolescent-onset recurrent major depressive disorder. Psychological Medicine, 2016; 1 DOI: 10.1017/S0033291715002615
Comments